Saturday, 9 April 2016

Blog Revival: Menstruation, Masturbation and God

I am back after a rather long undocumented hiatus in blogosphere due to a writer's induce coma which I have now successfully recovered from. Thankfully this didn't rid off my acerbic tongue therefore witty cynicism and sarcasm still remain recurrent themes throughout this blog; so if these are usually lost on you-  offence is guaranteed.

A coffee morning chit-chat on God

"I mean do your parents believe in God?"He asks. 

"Well show me any African who doesn't!" Came my sharp response.
"We are the undisputed gatekeepers of Heaven though not equally represented within the heavenly host of Angels and communion of Saints." We both burst into a deep and short rich laugh and just as I am secretly gloating for delivering such a witty response, he looks me straight in the face with a twinkle in his almond eyes and quips:
"I am sure God is drawing up a bill to rectify that as we speak."

Menstruation and Masturbation

The sensitivity of a woman's middle finger is reduced during menstruation but the inclination to use it more increases. (Source: BBC Radio4)

Sunday, 15 September 2013

Man set to marry goat - Meh-dly in love!

Bleating love -  São Paulo- Brazil

A 74-year-old man from Brazil is set to marry his pet goat as the animal does not complain or ask for money. But retired stone cutter, Aparecido Castaldo, from Jundiai City has ruled out consummating the marriage when he makes an honest animal of his beloved Carmelita.

Heaping praises on his bride-to-be which may leave some grass green envy, Castaldo provided a simple reason for his choice of a goat bride. He said:

"The goat doesn't speak, ask for money to go shopping and she can't fall pregnant. She doesn't talk."

The widower who has eight children with four different women has been meh-dly inlove with Carmelita for two years. He also reported that Carmelita ate her first wedding dress but a replacement had been found.

Man and goat will trot down the aisle in a midnight ceremony on October 13th at the city's Igreja do Diabo (Devil's Church).

It is not known if freshly cut grass or chèvre sauté (fried goat meat) will be on the menu  for guests.

First read in the Metro UK

Saturday, 22 June 2013

The only Nigerian you can trust is a dead one

I have been dealing with Nigerians ever since I was a child, having had the misfortune of attending a private Catholic girls boarding school under the tutelage of Nigerian and Irish Reverend Sisters. 

The Nigerian Rev Sisters were sadistic bullies who punished us heavily for minor crimes such as having our hair inches longer than the required length, keeping 'long' nails, etc.Receiving love letters was a mortal sin punishable by terrifying tales along the lines of 'holding hands with a boy will get you pregnant'...which we naively believed. It was common practice for letters to be received opened, as the Holy Rosary Sisters had of course read them before we did.

My love affair with Nigerians continued throughout my life and well into adulthood given that one in every five black person on earth is a Nigerian, it is therefore difficult to avoid this group of loud brash persons wherever you are on planet earth.

Unconfirmed reports even suggest alien sightings on Mars originate from Lagos State. 

Every Nigerian I have met is a princess, prince, chief, or descendant of royalty. They were all born in London but moved to Nigeria at the age of two, the reason why they all have British passports.

They live in sprawling palatial mansions back home with houseboys and housegirls waiting on them hand and foot. Why bother coming to London I wonder- where you squat in your council estates?

Their penchant for fake designer gear namely Gucci and LV makes cheap as chinese goods look authentic in the black market. I mean picture a gold blinged Chav on an estate dressed from head to toe in ill gotten mismatched Burberry gear- need I say more?

Fake and Nigeria go hand in hand like cookies and ice cream. Forget the Chinese invasion of Africa flooding the market with counterfeit goods, they learned and took over from the best- the Nigerians.
Well placed financial sources say if Nigerians were to stop buying counterfeit goods, the black market will collapse.

Natural born fraudsters, as children they are the taught to excel in the fine art of Scamming before getting to grips with their ABCs and 123s (if you have ever wondered why every single Nigerian you have met is inherently dishonest).

Forgery,cunningness,and of course 419 (what the West calls Ponzi Scheme) are all part of the national curriculum in every Nigerian school. In-fact these fraudulent topics (literally) are taught for free as they grow up being a victim to them from their own countrymen- so they learn. After all, they say experience is the best teacher.

Finding an honest Nigerian is like trying to count sand; you stand a better chance of getting sheep vote in favour of lamb curry.

"These  people are just like lice.They look for fertile ground and then suck the place dry before leaving." Mrs H

Wednesday, 19 June 2013

When a 'playful tiff' becomes a caution for assault

Pictures of Nigella Lawson being choked by her husband of 10 years - arts mogul, Charles Saatchi, sent shock waves across the nation.

Shocking pictures: Sitting in their favourite Mayfair restaurant, Charles Saatchi repeatedly grabs his wife Nigella Lawson by the neck

To see an educated, wealthy, successful woman publicly berated by her equally wealthy and powerful partner who went as far as pinching her nose in the pictures, must have resonated with thousands of women in abusive relationships or victims of domestic violence.
Of course I am not suggesting Ms Lawson is in an abusive relationship, but the pictures posted on-line appear to depict a man whose actions appear to cause distress and anxiety to his wife, who looks on helplessly as he grabs her by the throat.
Miss Lawson wiped her eyes as her husband tapped his cigarettes against the table. It is not the first time the couple have been seen arguing publicly

During the exchange, Mr Saatchi appeared to tweak Ms Lawson's nose as they sat outsideThe 70-year-old pinched his 53-year-old wife's nose as they sat facing each other
Saatchi, who referred to the incident as 'a playful tiff', (one shudders to think of what a non-playful tiff might look like behind closed doors) was cautioned by the police for assault. His wife is yet to make a statement, choosing to ignore the commotion instead focusing on her food delights.  The mother of two's last tweet as the scandal broke over the weekend was " Green tea and a toasted buttered bagel. Yum!"

Sometimes it could be a while before victims of domestic abuse seek help as they are often in denial of the problem. 

*Carmen*( not real name) was in an abusive relationship for eight months before plucking up the courage to walk out of it. 
A confident successful bubbly 29-year old, she worked as a PR executive for a Midlands firm. However, no-one could reconcile her outgoing character with the humiliating treatment she suffered at the hands of her then partner.
"He was controlling,rude and a male chauvinist," recalls *Carmen.* 
"On top of that I waited on him hand and foot literally; serving his meals, cleaning his apartment and washing his feet after meals.
"Yet he was psychologically abusive and unappreciated of my efforts to please him.
"Even when I caught him cheating, he heavily reprimanded me for going through his texts and I ended up apologising."
Despite recurrent episodes of monthly abuse suffered from her short tempered ex who flew off the handle everytime they had a disagreement, often resulting in verbal insults (from her ex) and Carmen always almost grovelling for an apology later- (though she couldn't understand where she went wrong) Carmen found herself unable to leave him.
" I thought the problem was me," she says. "I mean perhaps he was right about me being too rude and disrespectful"- Her ex-partner was 36-years old.
"Maybe I had to respect him and keep my mouth shut to keep a happy house. I didn't have to voice an opinion on everything, even if I was unhappy," I thought.

In December the couple were seen again at Scott's, where Mr Saatchi was seen clapping his hand over his wife's mouth
Back in December, Saatchi was pictured clapping his hands over his wife's mouth

Fortunately, *Carmen* was able to leave her abuser after one particularly violent episode when he verbally abused *Carmen* to the point where she doubted herself and ability. The experience left her feeling emotionally drained and though it hadn't been physical, *Carmen* felt as if she had been run over by a train. 
Exasperated and mortified at  how she had let herself been used to the point where it was affecting her self esteem, she walked away.
"The  funny thing is none of my friends or family would ever believe if I told them," says Carmen. "I am such a strong personality with well founded opinions and views, successful at what I do and highly intelligent, it is impossible to reconcile that vulnerable person with me.
"I sometimes even have trouble believing that was me and I have no explanations as to why I let myself to be treated like a piece of rubbish by a brute."

If you or anyone you know suffers from domestic abuse, call the National Domestic Violence 24-hour helpline on 0808-2000-407

Do not suffer in silence or alone.There's always help.

Tuesday, 18 June 2013

Fashion designer Cavalli cavorting in open air with young lover

You will be forgiven for thinking this is a picture of a devoted grand-daughter lovingly ensuring the grand-father stays cool in the blaring summer heat. It's none other but septuagenarian Roberto Cavalli, famed for his sexy glamorous creations worn by celebrities all over; and his much younger looking girlfriend Lina Nilson.
Proving age is no barrier with true love, Cavalli had his wrinkly bottom scrubbed clean in broad daylight by the brunette beauty, rumoured to be in her  20s.
If scrubbing saggy bottoms is all it takes to enjoy a privilege life style, this is an easy feat for all young aspiring  girls hoping to make it big.
The loved up duo are currently holidaying on Cavilli's yacht in Sardinia.

Cooling off: Roberto Cavalli enjoyed a loving outdoor shower with his girlfriend Lina Nilson on his private yacht in Sardinia on Monday

Glamorous life: It is likely that Lina has touched Roberto much more intimately in the past so a hose down should not be an issue

Hands on: Lina got very involved in cleaning her aging lover out in the open air

Very dutiful: Lina didn't seem to mind giving Roberto a hand to freshen up

Good Lord! The couple were completely unconcerned about being seen as Roberto flashed his buttocks in publicGood Lord! The couple were completely unconcerned about being seen as Roberto flashed his buttocks in public

Friday, 17 May 2013


NEW DETAILS have emerged about last night's bomb threat at Hillingdon hospital which happened between 17:30 and 19:30pm.
A member of the public walked into the A&E department and told staff he had a planted a bomb in the department.
This prompted a large scale reaction from staff who immediately notified the police, who shut down the hospital for three hours as controlled explosions went underway.
A spokesperson from the Hillingdon Hospital Press office confirmed a man has been arrested in connection with the hoax but could give no further details.
The Hillingdon Met Police has been contacted for comment.

Did you see anything? Would you like to share your story or pictures? Send an email to with your name and contact details.

Thursday, 16 May 2013


UNCONFIRMED reports say a bomb squad was called to Hillingdon hospital after a bomb scare this evening prompted a large scale police operation in and around the hospital area.
The hospital's switchboard controller who refused to give her name said:
"All I can tell you is that there has been a serious emergency which we are dealing with at the moment and we are very busy."
Hospital staff at the nearby nurses accommodation were evacuated from their homes and holed up in a designated safe area.
A nurse who lives opposite the hospital and doesn't wished to be named said:
" I heard a loud sound  that went like this: BOOM-BOOM! And we were immediately evacuated from our homes.
"We were all locked in the laundrette as a group for our safety and told by the PC officer a bomb squad was investigating a possible threat to the hospital and that two Asian men had been arrested."

The hospital has now been reopened and are refusing to comment at the time of publishing.

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Kate Middleton pregnant pictures

These are the pregnant pictures of Kate Holiday Middleton on one of her several private holidays. Ah! The life of Royalty and privileges.

Italian magazine CHI defended printing  pictures (much to the chagrin of St James' palace) of the hard-working royal couple because they are a public couple in a public place.
However clause 3 of the PCC Editor's Code of Practice notes: Private places are public or private property where there is a reasonable expectation of privacy.

This defence was used in the 1998 McCartney vs Hello case which saw Sir Paul McCartney complain to the PCC about Hello Magazine taking pictures of his family inside Notre Dame (Paris) where Sir McCartney and children sought spiritual comfort following the death of his first wife Linda McCartney.
The PCC upheld this complaint on clause 3 and Hello magazine apologised.

Unfortunately for our amorous private couple, the Italian media no doubt thinks otherwise. St James' palace should strongly advise the royal duo against holidaying in Italy. One cringes what photos may be made public.

The British media still reeling from the after shocks of the hacking scandal and Leveson enquiry have all cowered into a corner like frightened bed wetting children refusing to re-print any of the published photos so widely available on the internet.

Monday, 14 January 2013

Regressing to progess

To progress you need regression.
Except for the few blue blooded amongst us born with a golden spoon into His/Her Royal  Privileges.
We need to step back to move forward.
When we have grovelled so low, becoming one and syncing with dirt, moving up is the only option.
The thing with progression is it's slow. It's four long arduous years.
Regression on the other hand is faster. It takes approximately four weeks.

But in the end we get to the top and savour the sweet smell of success earned from progression brought about my regression.

And damn you Google! Source of both enlightenment and affliction.

(PS: Don't worry if this is lost on you. It is a highly complex innuendo)

Friday, 14 December 2012

Jacintha Saldanha suicide note blaming hospital speaks volumes on struggles of Black & Asian nurses in the UK

There is little surprise knowing that suicide victim Jacintha Saldanha left a note criticising her former employers, King Edward VII hospital.

In the immediate hours of her death, the hospital was quick to emphasise Mrs Saldanha was facing no disciplinary actions...meanwhile it has also been reported turkeys have now voted in favour of Christmas.

I never believed the hospital and its claims. As a nurse, I know how cruel and unforgiving hospital management can be, nitpicking at every bit of detail expecting nurses to be humans with no error.You have to dot all the Is crossing all the Ts  lest you face the NMC for gross misconduct.

Doctors on the other hand are "allowed to make mistakes," said a PCT to a grieving mother whose daughter had been left brain dead following a blood clot; one of the side effects of the contraceptive bill prescribed by her GP - despite the fact medical notes showed a  family history of thrombosis. The GP remained in his post inspite of  the fatal mistake. If that had been a nurse, she would have faced the NMC and been struck off faster than a bolt of lightning.

Did the hospital heavily reprimand the nurses involved in the Kate Middleton prank call which led to the breaching of patient confidentiality?

Oh that dreaded word confidentiality! It is the Crown Jewel of nursing! Guarded with such security even MI5 would have difficulty infiltrating it.

Mrs Saldanha's family must fight for the truth revealing the true circumstances surrounding her death. There may be more to this than we have been led to believe.

Fortunately we live in a country of free press and the truth is bound to emerge sooner or later.

Thursday, 13 December 2012

Nursing our national heroes: nurses

Last week was National Nurse Bashing Week in the UK, which ended in the tragic loss of a pivotal member of society- Indian nurse Jacinta Saldanha.

The CNO has come out with a Compassion in Practice guide, a three year initiative aimed "to build the culture of compassionate care in all areas of practice" for nurses and healthcare workers, as nurses it seems now have the compassion of a stone cold heart. They now need to be reminded and taught how to look after people.

Recently listeners to Radio 4 You&Yours had some audio pleasure as they tuned in to disgruntled callers bemoaning their health fate at the hands of nurses.

Being a nurse, I was tremendously saddened to hear the public lambast nurses.

Nurses are the nucleus of the healthcare system whose actions are like soldier ants, working all year round the clock to ensure the Queen( patients) is well fed and taken of. The public appear to be in dark oblivion about the hard work and pressure of this overworked, overstretched and underpaid individuals. Vilified beyond belief, the negative press received was tantamount to virtual bullying.

How about we have a Nurse Appreciation Week for these individuals who:

· Clean up your sick when you are well...sick
· Look after your elderly relations as you are too busy to do so
· Provide personal care in your must vulnerable state
· Soothe your pain when in agony
· Empathise with your situation, encouraging positivity
The list is infinite. Too often we remember the negatives, forgetting to stop and pause for a moment on the positives.

No nurse goes into nursing with the intention of abusing individuals in their care. On the contrary and which may come as a great surprise to the appreciative British public, they are driven by compassion and care.

What a shocker.

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Africans and the light skin complex disease

A few weeks ago I emceed a beauty pageant at a London location. Meeting the contestants vying for the crown, I instantly knew the light skinned mixed race girl would be the winner. 
Because most black Africans from all the 53 plus countries and Islands that make up the continent, have a psychological disease called the "Light Skin Complex" (LSC).

The LSC disease remains largely undiagnosed as affected persons refuse to acknowledge this terrible psychological ailment. Africans in general have largely dismissed LSC as non-existent because as with most matters concerning Africans, they need to see, touch and feel before believing it.


LSC begins to manifest itself during the early childhood years of the African child. Growing up, they are surrounded by foreign adverts and imported goods brandishing models with features dissimilar to theirs. The school textbooks tell of far away countries with their neatly arranged row of houses and beautiful manicured lawns. They carry pictures of blue eyed curly girls baking jam tarts for 4th of July, and of a snow-white Christmas with turkey and apple pie. 
The African child is thrown into an adopted Western culture from birth, forcing them to accept it as the yardstick measurement for an accepted living standard. 
Most recently, the 21st century African child is being force fed the Asian culture-namely Chinese and Indian. 

You see, from the moment it is born, the African child is taught unknowingly to self-hate, embracing everything and everyone but its own-self.

They know more about the Dykes of Holland, than the Savanna Highlands (Cameroon).
They know more about the Delaware car industry, than the International Soap Factory (Cameroon).
They can quote Shakespeare faster than Ngugi wa Thiong'o (Kenya).
They know Mao Tse Tsung and the Great Leap Forward, and don't know Sundiata Keita (Mali).
They have heard of both Queen Elizabeths, and haven't the foggiest about Queen Nzinga (Angola).

Queen Nzinga of Angola


Diagnosing LSC is easy and free. Carriers of the disease display symptoms of a crater like deep inferiority complex, resulting to sheepish behaviour around individuals they consider "better than them" because of their complexion. Affected persons often act mute and are not themselves. In Pidgin-English we say "shake-shake like old dross" meaning they literally rattle like a rattle snake, are extremely nervous and sweaty.
Sadly, these persons do not recognise they have been struck with LSC.
Extreme caution needs to be taken when diagnosing LSC carriers, as it can result to confrontation and violence.


The disease generally has no gender or income bias and is known to attack all genders from a wide range of background. However, black male Africans appear to bear the brunt of LSC as it is often common practice amongst this group to purposely form liaisons with lighter skin counterparts, in the hope that it raises their esteem amongst right thinking members of society. It is regarded as unearthing a huge pot of gold, commanding respect, pride and admiration.
Ironically, affected persons turn to be the educated unenlightened from rich backgrounds. Rich in wealth and education, yet fundamentally blighted by this psychological disease.
On the other hand, the poor who are affected by LSC welcome it as an acceptance of self worth which enables them step into the right social circles.


The cure for LSC is cheap and freely available to all: enlightenment and an education revolution.
Many affected persons see education as a way out but as shown above, education is often processed and manufactured depriving them off their true identity. There exist many educated unenlightened Africans; the Oxford or Princeton graduate still found to hold intrinsic primordial archaic values.
The tragedy of the educated African is that they come out more disconnected from Africa, confused and bewildered by the jammed boxed infusion of the different cultures they've been thrown at all their lives.
They are like a broken porcelain vase - too beautiful to throw away but of absolute no use.

Looking forward

LSC remains widely endemic amongst most Africans. Because it is not acknowledged, help is farfetched. LSC has given rise to a type of psychological dysmorphia disorder commonly found in Africans.

Yes, the light skin mixed raced contestant won the prize, and was crowned queen of the night, making her the third light skinned girl to win this competition in a three year succession period.

And you wonder why the little girl flicking through the pages of her mother's glossy magazine dominated by beautiful ladies looking nothing like her, does not hesitate to bleach her skin pawpaw yellow.
And you wonder why the little boy grows up into a man- distinctively psychological distorted, he seeks only light skin women for companionship.

Thursday, 15 November 2012

An Ode to ShortHand

Oh ShortHand!
Thou art my fountain of misery!
From thee I writhe and groan in mental agony
Thy outlines haunt me in my darkest dreams
I cry from the psychological torture you dost inflict on me
I moan in despair at your ShortHand.

Oh ShortHand!
Tis two months since I have known thy countenance.
Yet I grapple with recognition of the barest of details.
Thy goddesses Sue and Sara have consoled me:
"It will be ok. Practice makes perfect."
Their reassurances soothe me like a sweet lullaby.

Oh ShortHand!
Achilles Heel of my academia!
Foundation of all my stress!
Causing me journalistic turbulence of a great magnitude!
My river of misery!
A sea of disenchantment!

"The only thing to fear is fear itself" (Roosevelt)
I shall attack you with the fervour of a famished lion
Devouring all your outlines with the hunger of a pack of lionesses
You shall not beat me!
I shall trash you fervently with the spirit of a Roman soldier!
ShortHand! I will conquer thee!

Saturday, 10 November 2012

George Entwistle: Tortoise of multimedia journalism

UPDATE: Entwistle resigns as BBC chief. This blog was posted about six hours before Georgie stepped down. He read my post, reflected on it and decided to sling his hook. I am now being considered for the post of Editor in Chief for multimedia affairs at the BBC.

Get It Right. Get It Fast. But Get It Right (Old PA motto)

The BBC appears to get it wrong when it should be right, and gets it right but is wrong. It scraps the airing of Savile child abuse scandal which was right, and airs a programme on North Wales Child abuse with an unreliable witness, making it wrong. Is the BBC now on par with blundering tabloids?

Entwistle in a twist
Listening to George Entwistle on the Today Programme with John Humphrys, he is as updated as an 1800 encyclopaedia. For a figure in charge of the world's most leading news corporation whose job is to inform the public keeping them abreast with current developments as they happen, dear George appears as outdated as Windows 1997. Georgie gets information up to 24-hours after they happened.

Selling after the market

This appears to be Entwistle's unwittingly professional trade banner.
Georgie told the Today Programme he was not aware of  the Newsnight film aired last week, which reported a former Tory grandee involved in child abuse. We now know the wrongly implicated figure is Lord McAlpine.

Georgie did not know such sensitive information of high value was being aired at the corporation he's in charge of, though the whole world knew.

In fact people living in remote areas with no access to communication of any sort had the story delivered by messenger pigeons. But not George Entwistle who found out a day after the programme broadcasted.

The night before the programme, twitter had gone berserk with the details and potential damaging revelation. So make that two days. Where was George? He told Humprys he was "out" the night the programme aired and didn't see the tweets as he checks twitter at the end of the day.

Is he aware the Queen celebrated her Diamond Jubilee this year? Or was he also 'out' of the country during that period?

An audio shocked Humphrys questioned if nobody in his team had not at anytime  informed him of this explosive revelation about to be aired. An audio flabbergasted George replied with a feeble "No."
"Extraordinary", exclaimed Humphrys. In other words, the more sophisticated way of telling someone "You're telling porkies and I don't  believe you."

George Entwistle, the tortoise of multimedia journalism

  • Aware of Newsnight's film a day after it airs. Britain and the rest of the world who saw documentary  when it aired were more informed than the BBC chief.
  • Hadn't seen tweets in cyber space 24-hours before the programme was shown. It was a twitter hot topic which sent the virtual world into frenzy. At this point, twitter trolls were more informed than the BBC chief.
  • Questions raised midweek about authenticity of unreliable witness and his claims. In fact on Thursday, the Guardian's front page runs a story of Lord McAlpine being the case of mistaken identity. Georgie tells the Today Programme he was only aware when Steve Messham made a public apology on Friday. Again, a full day day after crucial events have unfolded.
  • "The organisation is too big. There is too much going on." Entwistle on Today Programme 10/11/12
  • Georgie acknowledges his tortoise speed as he recognises earlier comments he was "a bit slower," and admits he "could have moved quicker." (Re: announcement of Savile independent enquiry).
The Future

For the  BBC to employ me as the director general of its multimedia affairs. Clearly George is struggling to keep abreast with current events as they happen across a wide range of its multimedia platform. I am up to date with events as they unfold via apps such as Flipboard, Breaking News,etc Read the papers, go on twitter and listen to Radio4 24/7. I will be more suitable to warn the BBC of potential damaging libel cases (given my new knowledge in McNae's Law c/o of Daniel Townend) sparing the BBC embarrassing episodes such as this.